5 Signs of Asexuality

So I went on a date last night and had fun.

When you read "fun", did you assume that I had sex?

If yes, then we're not working with the same definition of "fun". My idea of a fun date is good conversation, lots of laughs, maybe even an adrenaline rush or two (from indoor bungee-jumping!). If I'm stimulated and sexually attracted enough, I want to cuddle and indulge in extended foreplay but...I'm never in a rush to have sex - no matter how well the date went.

Ever since I began dating at 16, I've realized that this attitude makes me abnormal.  While my friends were preoccupied with planning their next sexual rendezvous, my head was in the clouds or in the future. As an adult, my friends are pulling out their hair after a month of no sex, while I can easily "endure" months of celibacy by becoming superhumanly productive.

Even when I'm sexually attracted to someone, I don't necessarily want to have sex with them. I've been in situations where I'm extremely attracted but run in the other direction. Weird but true.

Because of this, I have questioned my sexuality more than a few times.  I'm too sexually turned on by men to be homosexual. But I rarely feel enough of an emotional connection with men to feel comfortable enough to have sex with them. With women, I feel amazing emotional connections that help us form intimate bonds...but I don't want to have sex with them, either.  It's a sexual catch 22. I can either have emotionally disconnected sex that feels good physically but I regret afterwards or have emotionally connected sex that's less than physically stimulating.

So if I'm not heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, then what the hell am I?

I recently read an article that has me redefining my sexual orientation.

Some FAQ:

What are the origins of asexuality?
Asexuality is not the same thing as celibacy, which is a conscious choice, nor is it a side effect of a medical condition, which is a serious problem. Asexuality is merely an intrinsic aspect of a person, no different from any of the more commonly discussed sexual orientations.

Do asexuals experience attraction?
Many do experience attraction, in the form of an emotional connection with someone or an aesthetic appreciation of their physical features, but are not motivated to act on that attraction in a sexual manner. 

Can asexual people have relationships?
Absolutely!  Some prefer to remain single, but others form intimate long-term partnerships.  “Asexuality” is a very broad label: some asexuals only date other asexuals, while others date sexual people.  Some choose to have sex even though they do not experience sexual attraction, others do not.  Asexuals who are interested in forming relationships are referred to as “romantic,” while those who have no interest in relationships whatsoever are considered “aromantic.”

Do asexuals experience arousal?

Many do, though it does not lead to a desire to find a sexual partner.  Some asexual people are not involved in any kind of sexual activity, others masturbate but have no interest in intercourse with another person.  Other asexuals use sex to express romantic attraction for a sexual partner, or experience sexual attraction that is based solely on an emotional connection, not on any outward characteristics (known as “demisexual”). - itsjustkarma

According to this, I'm a romantic asexual.

Although I generally dislike labeling myself, there is a comfort in knowing that my sexual orientation has a name and that there are others in the world like me.

So now that we have a label, I began to wonder if there are astrological indicators for asexuality.

Typically, we look to Venus and Mars in a person's birth chart to get some clues about his or her romantic and sexual style or preferences. The 5th house (romance) and 8th house (deep sex) add more context to the overall sexual picture.

Here are 5 Signs That You Might Be Asexual:

1. Venus or Mars in an air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius).

Of the four elements, air signs are the most cerebral and least connected to the physical body. These three signs enjoy thinking about or discussing sex. Trey Songz may have invented sex, but someone with Venus or Mars in an air sign surely invented mind sex, phone sex, cyber-sex, sexting and virtual sex. We like "sex" that requires active participation from the brain, preferably with some type of emotional or physical distance. Therefore, those of us with Venus or Mars in Gemini, Libra or Aquarius can go longer than the other signs without any physical sexual contact with another person because we're having good sex all of the time - in our minds.  Anyone who has actually lived out a fantasy knows that, sometimes, fantasies are better left in the imagination.

Both my Venus and Mars are in Gemini. In other words, stroking my imagination evokes the same feeling that another woman with Venus or Mars in a water, earth or fire sign would get from her nipple getting stroked.  A man has a better chance of seducing me by telling me what he wants to do to me rather than actually showing me.

Many descriptions list "intelligence" as a Venus or Mars in Gemini turn-on. But that's a superficial analysis (boo!). Gemini doesn't value "intelligence" for the sake of itself. Holding the most PhDs, reciting the encyclopedia or winning Jeopardy four times isn't what's turning us on. Rather, we're turned on by someone having enough cleverness (or enough curiosity to seek out many tidbits of information) to keep us thoroughly entertained by newness. We're not really concerned with who is the smartest person in the room. We want to know who's most likely to know more sexual positions and techniques. Who's most willing to go there with us? You want to have sex on a roller coaster in space? Me too! Unpredictability is sexy. Igniting my imagination with double entendres, the ability to massage language, and poetic expressions of emotion is sexy. After hearing someone whisper erotic nothings in my ear, I want to light up a (fake) cigarette.

While I don't have a strong desire to have physical sex with someone, I do have a strong desire for a romantic partner. Finding out that this still qualifies me as an asexual was enlightening!

My Venus in Gemini in the 7th house makes no major aspect to any other planet in my chart. Nevertheless, it's strongly placed in its natural house of one-on-one partnerships.  Not only am I at my best with a partner, but I feel somewhat lost without one. It's the same feeling I imagine a twin feels when separated from the other twin - a feeling of being whole yet somehow incomplete. All things being equal, Venus in Libra  (the sign ruled by Venus) would have similar feelings of being incomplete without a partner.


2. Mars-Saturn. Mars desires sex and hunts for a sexual partner to quickly fulfill those desires. Saturn acts cautiously and is concerned with consequences of impulsive actions. These two planets combined can result in slowed sex drives, inhibitions about making sexual desires known, insecurity about sexual attractiveness, performance anxieties, or fears of judgment.  Of course, the signs that Mars and Saturn are in adds more flavor.

We know that Mars in experimental Gemini's idea of sex is discussing or imagining having sex. My Saturn is in picky Virgo. Virgo is never satisfied with Gemini's selection of a sexual partner:  

Mars in Gemini to Saturn in Virgo: Did you hear the way he just described his philosophy of life? He's sexy! Imagine what he can do with some Scrabble tiles. Mmm mmm mmm!


Saturn in Virgo to Mars in Gemini: Yeah, but did you also hear him say that variety is the spice of life? You know what that means: he's probably slept with enough people to fill up New York! He could have a STD, girl! Don't do it!!!

Case in point: Several months ago, I went on a date with a man who I found very physically attractive. The conversation was flowing and he was getting sexier with every witty comeback. In the middle of our flirt session, he spied a man walk by in a pair of skinny jeans, which prompted him to throw out a few "witty" barbs that sounded like a homophobic rant to my ears. Now, most women I  know would have ignored these opinions and continued the date. Maybe even joining in with a few snarky comments of their own. But not me. I was so disgusted with him that my arousal instantly died. His opinion had nothing to do with me but it revealed him to be a closed-minded fool - NOT sexy! It was a true "check please!" moment. 

2. Venus-Mars Square, Opposition or Conjunction. In the 7th house. When Venus (our romantic ideals) and Mars (our sexual desires) "talk" to each other, there's an increased chance of finding a satisfying partner. Can't get anything started without that conversation, right? But what if the conversation turns into an argument because these two can't get on the same page? What if Venus only wants to associate with brag-worthy people but Mars is only sexually attracted to people who rebel against society's standards? In these cases, it's very difficult for the person to have their cake (a satisfying relationship) and eat it, too (be sexually satisfied).  As a result of experiencing many disappointments, they may end up cheating or deciding not to enter into any sexual or romantic relationship.

I have a Venus-Mars conjunction (by sign). In my case, it's not very difficult to find a satisfying romantic and sexual partner because I'm usually sexually attracted to the type of man who also shares my relationship values. What's so bad about that? The rub is that I end up attracting people who are exactly like me, rather than someone who complements my personality by filling in the gaps. Hello Gemini Twins!

Not only do I have Asc (personality) opposing Mars (action) interpreted in the 7th house, (of romantic relationships) but  my Gemini Mars  (sexual partner) is exactly conjunct my Gemini Descendant (ideal Other).  In my relationships, it becomes difficult to tell just who is the "Gemini" partner. Imagine two pairs of Twins in one relationship all arguing every side of every issue, never making a decision because all points of view haven't been thoroughly analyzed and discussed, yet.  Imagine all four of these people changing their minds at a moment's notice.  Not the most stable situation, right? It's quite nerve-wracking, to say the least.

Case in point: My first sexual partner has a Gemini Asc and Sagittarius Desc, which is my  relationship mirror opposite. Pretty cool, right? However, he has Mars in Gemini just like me. Think about this for a minute. He has Gemini Mars in the 1st house. I have Gemini Mars in the 7th house. To make things even more crazy, my ex also has Saturn in Gemini and was going through his Saturn Return while we were together. We spent most of our relationship accusing the other one of being argumentative, indecisive, a flirt, etc. The sad part is that I now know that we were both right. We were literally and symbolically reflecting each other's strengths and challenges.

It was fun at first but then became hell.

Astrological relationship theory goes: We attract people with qualities represented by our Descendant (the opposite of our Ascendant) to make us "whole". How can I find the person who complements my personality (Ascendant) if I am the person that complements me? Am I looking for qualities in others that I should be recognizing/developing in myself? Am I my own ideal partner?

3. A Strong Neptune. Neptune is idealistic. It's our connection to the Universe. It represents the part of our psyche or life where we practice blind faith, seduce others or are easily seduced. Those of us with Neptune prominent in our charts walk through life smelling roses and disregarding the ugliness of the thorns and weeds. We see the "God" around us. Whatever Neptune touches in our chart becomes lifted to a pedestal. If Neptune touches Venus, Mars or our Moon, then we idealize our love and sex partners or emotional connections with our partners.

I have a 1st house Neptune that connects to my 8th house of intimacy and 9th house of ideals via trines to Leo Mercury, Leo Jupiter, and square Virgo Saturn.  My Trail of Broken Hearts is littered with people who I thought  (Mercury) were the best things since the microwave...until I got closer to them and realized that they are not  Mr. Perfect of my imagination but flesh and blood with human flaws (Virgo Saturn).  I'm that woman who  gets grossed out by flatulence, random body hair where it shouldn't be, lack of self control, crass behavior, an unkind nature, etc. The disappointment of seeing a person's humanness (or lack of humanity) is a sexual turn-off. With Neptune involved, no mere mortal can satisfy my dreams so it becomes more satisfying to remain single and date a "dream lover" (written by Mariah Carey, with Moon/Neptune conjunction in Sagittarius and North Node in dreamy Pisces):

4. A water-ruled 8th house. The 8th house represents how we view intimacy and how easy it is for us to be intimate with others. If our 8th house is ruled by Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces, we're psychically receptive to others. We yearn for soul connections but may also fear emotional vulnerability.

My 8th house is ruled by Cancer (Moon). We are extra protective of the issues associated with our Cancer-ruled house. My Sun in Cancer is here. I'm very sensitive to someone misusing the power they gain from  entering my "secret garden".  Because my 5th house is tied to my 8th house through aspects between Mars (sex drive), Mercury (thinking, communication) and Jupiter (ideals, ethics), I require a mind-body-heart-soul connection to feel safe enough to let someone inside me - both literally and figuratively. It's hard enough finding a connection with someone on just one of these levels. Imagine how hard it is to find someone who holds ALL of the keys to open my locked 8th house!

Ironically, the very concept that makes us with a water-ruled 8th house most nervous is also what can lead to our truest healing: deeply spiritual, emotionally-connected sex therapy (shout-out to Robin Thicke, whose patient Pisces Sun and sexual Scorpio Moon wrote this delicious song):

 

5. Moon, Venus or Mars in 12th house.  Our Moon symbolizes our emotional responses to life, what we need to feel comfortable and fulfilled, our instincts, the unconscious messages we learned/inherited from our mother, how we nurture and are nurtured. As we already know, Venus and Mars are the love and sex planets. When at least one of these planets are in the 12th house, some major aspect of our love natures remains hidden from us or from others.

My Moon is in Scorpio in the 12th house of secrets, the subconscious, the collective unconscious and past lives (if you believe in reincarnation). Moon in Scorpio keeps emotions, motives and passions a secret. Moon in Scorpio in the 12th house "knows" that it's dangerous to explore or share emotions, motives and passions without serious repercussions. The popular phrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" was  probably coined by someone with a Scorpio Moon. In my past life, perhaps I found out the hard way that passion should be controlled. Having my Moon in the sign that rules the sexual reproductive organs is a good indicator that I have a strong (yet submerged) sex drive and/or was exposed to sex at a very early age.

Both of these are true.

I grew up with the implicit and explicit message that sex is private. It seemed to me as a child that every adult treated sex like the ultimate taboo, refusing to talk about it in any other way except for "keep your legs closed! having sex will ruin your life!" (shout-out to my dad with Saturn in Scorpio) or whispering about it behind my back. As a response, I became obsessed with investigating sex to satisfy my curiosity. I found out the deep, dark secrets of many adults who lived "lightly" during the day. The teacher that taught us to have self-respect and treat our bodies like temples was having affairs with my classmates' parents. The  woman who claimed not to enjoy sex at all had a drawer full of porn. Neighbors were postal workers by day but trading sexual favors for crack by night. And so on.

Thanks to my Scorpio Moon quindecile Gemini Mars, I discovered way more about people's secret sex lives than any child should know. I inadvertantly confirmed through my snooping (or just being in the right place at the right time to overhear information) that the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that whispers to me about the dangers of letting my baser desires get the best of me is a warning that I best heed.  I learned early not to try everything that flits across my imagination  (Mars in Gemini) because it just might become an addiction (Mars in the 6th house of habits).  Consequently, rather than indulge myself sexually, I pour all of my energy into a wide variety of interests  (Gemini) to keep me focused on anything other than fulfilling my sexual desires with someone else and possibly opening myself up to dangerous vulnerability (see #4) or the joy of repetition (shout-out to Prince!).

Some celebrity examples of Quindeciles to the Moon and Mars:

Quindecile to the Moon Arnold Schwarzenegger has his 6th house Moon in Capricorn QD ASC, suggesting the ambitious, workaholic drive entering into the identity, potentially upsetting relationships.

Quindecile to Mars Albert Einstein has Mars in Capricorn QD his ASC, suggesting the quality of unrelenting determination and achievement fused with the identity.

QUESTIONS: What's your sexual orientation? How does your Moon, Venus or Mars describe your sexuality? What are some other indications for asexuality in the natal chart? Do you know anyone who fits the description of an asexual?

New to astrology? Find out how Venus and Mars work together as a team to influence/describe your sexuality.

Related Resources:
Asexuality: The Ace of Hearts
Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) 

BONUS: If you're a pro at faking an orgasm, then you might be asexual (or need better sex partners).

How to Fake An Orgasm 

Question: What sparked your interest in astrology? Formal training?

What sparked your interest in astrology? Have you had formal training or classes in the field?

People would give me gifts here and there - like a keychain or whatever - with a description of my zodiac sign. It seemed to fit me. But I wasn't too sure about it until I began reading different books to help me figure out why a boyfriend and I weren't getting along. The descriptions of Aries + Cancer clashes were so on point. It was like the author knew both of us. A few years later, a friend started showing me more about the rest of my chart. And the nuances of my personality/viewpoints that weren't described by my zodiac sign began to fit into place.

Yes, I have had some formal training. The equivalent of going to Open University v. getting a degree. But mostly, it's been a self-taught study with help from various astrologers that I respect and practical application. With each person that I counsel I learn something new. They all teach me something.

Ask. I might have an answer.

My Turn: What sparked YOUR interest in astrology?

Venus in Love, Mars in Heat

I'm republishing a post that I wrote about Venus and Mars in 2007.

Do you ever wonder why the person you’re attracted to isn’t reciprocating your feelings? Or why the person who you couldn’t care less about keeps following you around like a lost puppy? We can look to the placements of our Venus and Mars for answers to these (and other) questions. Which sign Venus is in tells us our ideal of love, how we attract (and express) love, and how we want to receive love. The sign in which Mars falls tells us how we exert our energy to attain what attracts us..

Here’s a rundown of how feminine Venus and masculine Mars work together as a team to help us get (Mars) what we want (Venus) in matters of love and sex (keep in mind that most people have Venus and Mars in different signs, so mix-and-match “teammates” is highly likely).

Disclaimer: There are others astrological indicators of love and sex styles, but this post is only discussing Venus and Mars.

Note: In a woman’s chart, her Venus sign represents her love style, while her Mars sign represents the type of man that makes her feel … lusty. In a man’s chart, his Venus sign represents the woman in his fantasies, while his Mars sign represents how he tries to persuade a woman to choose him (for sex, love, whatever).

Team Aries

Venus in Aries: believes love should happen at first sight; likes independent, go-getters; enjoys chasing and being chased; attracts love by inspiring/encouraging suitors to pursue and “win” her; flirts by teasing and picking fights; expects to be #1 in the relationship (and in her partner’s life) or will lose interest quickly; arguing and friendly competition is an aphrodisiac

Mars in Aries: boldly pursues object of affection using a direct approach; actively demonstrates his prowess in anything, acts adventurous, and is more than willing to compete for affection; arguing and/or physical fighting is instant foreplay; initiates a lot of right-now, anywhere-goes quickie sex

Team Taurus

Venus in Taurus: believes love should come after a lot of long-term consideration; likes (and is impressed by) wealthy people; attracts love by being emotionally stable and having consistent habits; flirts by providing physical comfort; wants to feel secure in relationships and “know where this is going”; rich, comfort foods, receiving massages, listening to music, and fragrances that smell like something edible (mmm vanilla!) are aphrodisiacs

Mars in Taurus: slowly pursues the object of affection using a persistent approach; acts like the typical strong, silent type; talks about his goals/plans or shows off his nice possessions when he’s attracted to someone, and may even present his credit report as proof of his financial stability and ability while asking for a date or during a marriage proposal (yes, I’m exaggerating here); gives massages, long embraces, and slow kisses as foreplay; initiates steady, lasts-all-night sex

Team Gemini

Venus in Gemini: believes love should mean never having to say, “I’m bored”; likes quotable, multifaceted people who have lots of diverse interests; attracts love by being infinitely entertaining; flirts by sharing thoughts & feelings and assigning pet names; wants 24/7 communication accessibility in relationships; variety, unpredictability, and verbal/written expressions of love are aphrodisiacs

Mars in Gemini: sporadically pursues object of affection using a now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t approach; attracts attention by making clever observations and extending invitations to fun and/or interesting events; provides playful, sarcastic teasing, writing/reading erotic letters, and sexually suggestive phone conversations as foreplay; initiates quick, multiple-session sex.

Team Cancer

Venus in Cancer: believes love should be nurturing; likes people who need mothering (or who are mothering) and are appreciative of her efforts; attracts love by making people feel cozy and sheltered; expresses love by feeding and/or cooking for someone, remembering preferences, giving thoughtful tokens of affection; wants interdependence in relationships; emotional bonding and cuddling are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Cancer: haltingly pursues object of affection using a zig-zag, sideways, 2-steps-forward-1-step-backward approach; acts shy and quiet, but will adamantly defend a loved one against outsiders to show interest; providing a shoulder to lean (or cry) on, hugs, and cooking for someone/taking someone out to dinner are foreplay; initiates cuddling-that-hopefully-leads-to-sex sex.

Team Leo

Venus in Leo: believes love should ALWAYS consist of romance, drama, fun, and loyalty; likes people who stand out in socially acceptable ways (e.g., extremely attractive, owns/wears impressive things, speaks dramatically, has unique creative talents, etc.); attracts love by playing up strengths and downplaying weaknesses, and inspiring chivalry; flirts by complimenting; wants consistent (inconsistent doesn’t count!), emotionally-moving displays of appreciation and gratitude in relationships; receiving awe-inspiring gifts and positive, focused attention from an audience (e.g., mirrors, cameras, other people in the room) are aphrodisiacs (Btw, it’s no coincidence that this Venus description is the longest of them all. *wink*).

Mars in Leo: enthusiastically pursues object of affection using a confident, showy approach; acts like he’s the best at whatever, whenever, wherever ALL THE TIME, his gallantly dramatic displays of affection, his flattery, his style of presentation, his…well, just being with HIM in all of his glory is the foreplay, this Mars placement is the rock & roll icon and his lover better act like his groupie or else; initiates look-at-me, I’m-on-stage sex.

Team Virgo

Venus in Virgo: believes love should involve making a commitment to take care of someone else; likes hard-workers who pay attention to details (conversely, is also attracted to flawed, disorganized partners that need fixing); attracts love by handling all of the “dirty work” in a partner’s life; flirts by making analytical observations, self-deprecating humor, or offering self-improvement advice; wants to feel needed and useful in relationships; good hygiene, a neat appearance, and an orderly environment are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Virgo: methodically pursues object of affection using a logical, organized approach; demonstrates ability to efficiently execute plans and complete tasks correctly to impress; spends a lot of time translating ideas into reality by making sure every seduction detail is just right; initiates technically proficient, nervous-tension-relieving sex.

Team Libra 

Venus in Libra: believes love should = 50/50 partnership + 24/7 romance; likes attractive, intelligent, and sociable people; attracts love by being charming company, understanding and attentive; expresses love through consideration and negotiating compromises, and thinking in “us” and “we” terms; f
lirts indiscriminately for attention and popularity; wants equality, romance, and lots of attention in relationships; beauty, making plans as a couple, and the usual romantic clichés (such as rose petals on the bed and long, moonlit walks on the beach) are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Libra: indirectly pursues object of affection using a classy approach; attracts love by being gracious, intellectually stimulating, and presenting ideas as win-win situations; foreplay is poetry, dinner, dancing, conversation, kissing, tickling, and soft love-bites; initiates romantic, sugar-and-spice “lovemaking” (Someone with Venus in Libra probably coined this term.).

Team Scorpio

Venus in Scorpio: believes love should be passionate, intense, and life-altering; likes to associate with powerful people whose sexuality comes in contradictory layers (e.g., dresses provocatively but is a virgin, looks understated but moves like a stripper in private); expresses love by keeping a mate’s secrets, developing an emotional bond, and not wanting to share the partner’s affection; flirts through seduction; wants to have control and trust in a relationship; a strong sex drive, instant chemistry, intensity, and loyalty are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Scorpio: obsessively pursues object of desire using a strategic approach; attracts love by getting people to let down their guards, providing emotional therapy, and delivering on unspoken promises of provocative sex; foreplay is continuous, penetrating eye contact, caressing, and anything oral; initiates all-consuming, us-against-the-world sex.

Team Sagittarius

Venus in Sagittarius: believes love should bring happiness, great times, and good luck; likes outgoing, intelligent, independent, adventurous people; attracts love by being friendly, fun-loving, generous, and free-spirited; flirts through friendly conversation and making someone laugh; wants freedom, honesty, few expectations, and undefined commitment in a relationship; visiting exotic places, meeting foreign people, exploring foreign cultures, and different accents are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Sagittarius: optimistically pursues object of affection using a direct approach; acts like a daredevil, plays practical jokes, or extends and wins challenges to an athletic competition to impress someone; laughter and getting naked is foreplay; initiates spontaneous, outdoorsy, on-vacation sex.

Team Capricorn

Venus in Capricorn: believes love should make people keep their word; likes responsible, successful people who can help with achieving aspirations; attracts love by being dependable and loyal; shows affection by honoring commitments and not leaving the relationship; flirts by getting straight to the point, assessing a potential mate’s value, and showing off their dry wit as they feel more comfortable; wants a solid commitment from the right person in relationships; knowing what’s coming next is an aphrodisiac.

Mars in Capricorn: gradually pursues object of affection using a goal-oriented approach; acts very self-assured, proper, and guarded when trying to impress someone; a seduction game plan, dominant/submissive role-playing, and spanking is foreplay; initiates straight-to-the-nitty-gritty sex.

Team Aquarius

Venus in Aquarius: believes love should be dessert with friendship as the main entrée; likes free-spirited, eccentric people who aren’t afraid to go against the status quo; attracts love by being friendly to everyone; flirts by sharing unusual ideas and opinions; wants a best friend, intellectually stimulating company and emotional detachment in relationships; discussing new, inventive ways to have sex is an aphrodisiac.

Mars in Aquarius: determinedly pursues object of affection using an original approach; differentiates himself by talking about his principles, beliefs, pet causes, and idiosyncratic preferences when attempting to impress; trying something different is foreplay; initiates taboo, off-the-wall sex.

Team Pisces

Venus in Pisces: believes love should be a perfect blend of an intuitive, spiritual bond and romance; likes nonjudgmental, creative people who think and communicate in imaginative ways; attracts love by being infinitely compassionate and seeing the best in people; flirts by developing and acknowledging a special connection; wants empathy, kindness, and sensitivity in relationships; dreamy kisses that cause tingles, foot massages, bubble baths, and mind-altering substances or practices are aphrodisiacs.

Mars in Pisces: secretly pursues object of affection using a passive approach; impresses by knowing the right thing to do or say to make someone feel better, sharing psychic insights, and displaying creative talents; dancing, playing music, discussing dreams/innermost feelings, and generally pleasing the other person is foreplay; initiates pleasant vibes, which lead to transcendental, out-of-body-experiences sex.

Since most people don’t have Venus and Mars in the same sign, I’ll give an example of a mix-and-match Venus and Mars “team.” A man with Venus in Libra and Mars in Virgo would most likely be attracted to a beautiful woman with social graces. So far, his Venus & Mars would work well together in that regard, because both Libra and Virgo value keeping up good appearances and following proper etiquette. However, he might experience indecision over whether to woo her by planning their first date down to the tiniest detail (Virgo Mars) or let her make the plans because he really wants her to have a good time on their date (Libra Venus).

QUESTIONS: Now that we know how Venus and Mars work together, how can we tell the difference between falling in love and falling in lust? How does your Venus and Mars work as a team to help you get what you want in relationships? 

 © Jara 2007. All rights reserved.

Is Tyler Perry Ruining Comedy With His Sagittarian Shtick?

I was about to pack up my tweets and go on Friday afternoon until a tweet about Tyler Perry from one of my favorite "tweeters" caught my eye:

@drgoddess Not to keep harping on the issue, but I think TP's storylines aren't meant to teach the educated. If you know what I mean... about 1 hour ago from UberTwitter in reply to drgoddess

WriterChanelle

So I butted in replied:

@WriterChanelle @drgoddess *overreading* Good point Chanelle. Educated thinks TP's Captain Obviousing, but it's eye-opening for his audience about 1 hour ago from in reply to WriterChanelle 

And just like that, I was sucked into yet another conversation about Tyler Perry. Why this man is such a controversial figure within the black community is a mystery to me. Ok, I'm lying. This is not a mystery. He really does represent the cultural divides within the larger African-American community. We literally project onto him our views of "culture" (including what is and what is not "cultured" entertainment). He also figuratively embodies a myriad of contradictions within our culture: originated from notoriously bourgie/gutter New Orleans yet relocated to traditional/upwardly mobile Deep South Atlanta; physically imposing yet dresses like a woman; was homeless yet now enjoys the lap of luxury; professes to be on a spiritual mission yet mass markets his practical wisdom via religion and bawdy humor.

In other words, there are a lot of contradictions for us to sink our collective teeth into here - enough for endless debate.

But that's not the purpose of this post.

The purpose of this post is to bookmark my epiphany for why some can't stand the sight of this man and some see him as the savior of black entertainment. 

Throughout all of the conversations about Tyler Perry that I have witnessed or participated in, one aspect always seems to be missing: discussion of differences in senses of humor. As my Madea is forever reminding me: keep it simple. If we boil Tyler Perry down to his most basic appeal, it's humor. Yes, he's imparting wisdom (debatable how sage it is) and some spiritual messages, but mostly he's selling us a good time. Now whether or not you have a good time watching Tyler Perry's creations really comes down to do you think what he's doing is funny?

I paused my participation in the conversation with DrGoddess and WriterChanelle to research the genesis of (this incarnation of) their conversation, which may be this tweet:

Basic. RT @blacksnob: Tyler is just so obvious. His depictions of good v. evil; religious v. secular are so over-the-top in their construct. about 2 hours ago from TweetDeck

drgoddess

What I find interesting about this is that I wrote the following tweet BEFORE having read the one above:

@WriterChanelle @drgoddess *overreading* Good point Chanelle. Educated thinks TP's Captain Obviousing, but it's eye-opening for his audience about 1 hour ago from Power Twitter in reply to WriterChanelle 

Temporarily putting aside all of the cultural ramifications of Tyler Perry's work, the "obviousness" of his humor is really what I think is the difference between those who can appreciate him and those who can't/don't/won't.

Now, while all of this was going on, I was also having a side conversation with another person about our planetary placements.  I assume he's somewhat new to astrology because we're discussing the interpretations for our Sun and Moon combinations.  As he was telling me about the parts of his personality that AREN'T covered in the Sun/Moon description, I thought about the part of my Sun/Moon interpretation that doesn't fit me: "You are not the idealist, but rather are attracted to the practical dollars and cents issues and personal worldly ambitions." Well, actually I am an idealist.  But if you're just looking at my Sun/Moon combo, you wouldn't be able to tell. This inspired me to think about what does make me an idealist...and how that is represented symbolically in my chart.

Don't worry, I won't be analyzing my entire chart here - just pointing out some key aspects that I think are relevant to the discussion.

Sagittarius was rising at the time of my birth, making this sign my Ascendant. So this is the filter with which I view the world. Sagittarius is often described as: over-the-top, bawdy, contradictory, religious, spiritual, secular, idealistic, philosophical, expansive (i.e. think/dream/act/talk big), theoretical, humorous, generous, prone to generalizing.

To make this more clear, the comedian Mo'Nique is a quintessential Sagittarius. Not only is she physically taking up a lot of space but her mouth is big, her voice is booming, her jokes are obnoxious and she's always dreaming big.

Why do I bring up Mo'Nique? Because the same words that Tyler Perry's critics use about him are the same words that I often hear used to describe Mo'Nique.

Now...as you can see, the person who made the first comment is a self-described "black snob". I don't know this person's chart, but I'm going to speculate that Sagittarius is not strongly represented there. Sagittarius is the sign of the "every man".  This sign is notorious for mixing it up with all types of people and being culturally unsnobby. A person who is strongly-influenced by Sagittarius (and it's ruler Jupiter) is all about embracing differences, recognizing patterns between people and concepts, and then generalizing to form umbrella theories (read: this is how stereotypes are born). 

So we have that going on in my chart in the 1st house of identity. This is my worldview. I naturally see people from an aerial point of view and focus on what we have in common rather than how we differ.

Moving on...

My Rising (or Ascendant) is trine my chart ruler, Jupiter, which is in Leo. Leo is the sign of warm-hearted drama. Jupiter represents my ideals, ethics, how I relate to the world, how I enjoy socializing, my generosity, etc. Hopefully, this is beginning to paint a picture for you: my idea of fun is learning about different cultures and if those lessons are presented to me in an "over-the-top", dramatic fashion using broad strokes, then I'm all for it! Add to this picture that my Mercury (thought processes, communication style) is also in Leo and is united with Jupiter in Leo. So think of what I just wrote and multiply that by at least two since Jupiter expands everything it touches.

Now let's add in some more things that my Sagittarius Ascendant touches: Mars in Gemini in the 6th/7th house ("hey, if others are entertaining and make practical sense, then they're alright with me!"), Saturn in Virgo in the 9th house ("I'm interested in fact-checking other people's beliefs/principles because this helps me form/test my own beliefs/principles.") and North Node in Virgo ("My purpose in life is to find my inspiration and then inspire others. I must do this as a service to humanity.").

How does this apply to my view of Tyler Perry's work? I see the message/purpose in his work. I see that, in his exaggerated performances, he is also living out his Sun in Virgo purpose, which is to purify the world through information. In the middle of his Sagittarian "cooning" and "buffoonery", he throws his Virgo curveballs - advice based on wisdom that he has gathered from his personal experiences, people around him and people that precede him (see his real-life "Madea"). And his advice, while given with humor, always makes good practical sense (earthy Virgo!).

With my Neptune in Sagittarius in my 1st house, I'm very familiar with people projecting their internal concepts onto my "blank screen".  To them, I become whatever they imagine me to be - wise truth-seeker with an old soul, intellectual snob full of broad generalizations, austere, all play and no work, etc. All of these are true and, yet, none of them are true. (One look at the descriptions that people have of me on Twitter demonstrates what I mean about people's vastly different perceptions of me - some of them far removed from reality.)

Some people who know me from limited interactions are shocked to find out that I enjoy Tyler Perry's work.
I can only guess as to why this would shock them...To my mind, the way I live my life is not that of a snob. Am I intellectually proud? Yes! (How can I not be with Mercury-Jupiter conjunction in Leo?).  But I am not one to perch myself up on a pedestal away from people (for too long). Being separate from people is not my idea of fun (see my social planets in Gemini, Sagittarius and Leo).

As we can see from the tweet above, self-described snobs do not enjoy Tyler Perry productions. 

This is a lightbulb moment for me because I used to just cover all (or most) of Tyler Perry's critics with the same "hater" blanket (hello Sagittarius Rising!).  Even when they protested that it's a simple matter of taste, I called bullshiggity on that defense/explanation. While I do still think that many struggling creative types are jealous of Tyler Perry's financial, if not critical, success, I now see that some people really just don't find a 6'5'' man in a dress waving around a pistol as funny.  They desire more nuance in the characters, plots, songs, etc. Never mind that Tyler Perry's background is in theatre, a format that is characterized by exaggerated performances. What he's doing is translating and transferring that background to other "smaller" formats (film, TV) without making many adjustments. Hence, the cartoonish vibe.

I write that to illustrate that I do understand his critics' point of view. However, I also understand exactly where Tyler Perry is coming from with his over-the-top self.

Mental tangent: I wonder if he also has a Sagittarius Asc. He certainly looks the part: tall, attractive in a goofy way (see Will Smith and his ears), loves to make people laugh, fondness for exaggerated humor, always smiling or finding humor in situations that aren't necessarily funny, etc.

I suspect that those who can't see the humor in Tyler Perry's works have either a.) strong Capricorn or b.) strong Saturn in their birth charts:

"Why can't he take a more serious approach to these issues?"
"Does it have to be so damn silly?"
"He can't say the same thing wearing man's clothes?"
"Why not just get a woman to play the part of Madea? Black men have enough to worry about without this fool running around in a dress!"

Sounds pretty Saturnian to me.

Anyone care to help me test this hypothesis (so I can turn it into a nice, broad Sagittarian theory about humanity :-P)?

To all of this, I say use Tyler as an example of how to relaaaaax, stop fussing over the details (Sun in Virgo style) and enjoy the big picture - Sagittarius style.

*Sagittarius AstroFact: Your favorite comedian probably has their Sun, Moon, Mercury, Venus or Mars in Sagittarius. Examples: Richard Pryor, Jon Stewart, Woody Allen, Margaret Cho, Sarah Silverman. Think of what they all have in common: unafraid to speak their truths, offensive humor.

**Side-note: Ok, people, after finishing this post, I researched Tyler Perry's birth info and...he has Mars in Sagittarius. Ding Ding! I don't know his birth time but I'd love to see if my musings about his Asc. are true. Interesting tidbit: His business partner, Oprah Winfrey, has her Moon in Sagittarius, which partially explains her "every woman" appeal and Tyler Perry's work appealing to her funny bone and fetish for inspirational messages. Oprah no doubt encourages Tyler not to limit himself with small thinking (Virgo), to reach higher, imagine more, stretch his boundaries. With Oprah, Tyler decided to go out of his comfort zone (Virgo) and try producing someone else's work (Lee Daniels' Precious).  Considering the excellent box office, critical success, Oscar nominations, and Golden Globe award win, I'd say this big gamble (Sagittarius) paid off for everyone involved. Also of note, they both have trouble controlling their waistlines (a very Sagittarian-Jupiter issue).

QUESTIONS: What tickles your funny bone? What do you think of Tyler Perry's brand of slapstick humor? Are Sagittarians ruining our culture with their broad, offensive contributions to society? In what sign(s) is your Mercury, Mars and Jupiter located, and how does that influence your sense of humor?

New to astrology? Find out where your Mercury, Mars and Jupiter are located here.

In case you're interested in the conversation that sparked this post, see here.

Leave it to a Sagittarius to go from one extreme to the other in terms of giving dramatic performances. Compare Monique's stand-up comedy with her Golden Globe award-winning performance in "Precious" (Hmm, I wonder what attracted Oprah and Tyler to Mo'Nique??). She's loud but I'm laughing.

Warning: turn down your volume & graphic language

(I need a proofreader.)

Open Letter to Virgos: We Have a Problem

Dear Virgos,

I'm interrupting the post I'm working on about Geminis and Pisceans in order to address my issue with you, the mutable sign that alternately annoys and challenges me to no end.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about reducing my complaints because:

1. It's a temporary fix to a problem.
2. It's contagious.

But after reading this post about people who complain without plans to change their situation, I decided to write about my beef with you and then let it go message-in-a-bottle-style - hopefully to never revisit it again.

Excerpt from my comment:

I was just thinking this a couple days ago when a friend called me and started the conversation with "I've talked about this with So and So but it's still bothering me..." That was a red flag that this is about to be an unproductive venting session. Because I'm sure that So and So had some good suggestions and/or woo-woo available before this problem landed on my phone.

Sometimes I think people manufacture problems to discuss because they don't want to discuss the REAL problem. Because the manufactured problem can't really be the problem. It's so small and easily fixable.

I love how you make it clear that you're willing to help build and execute a plan for CHANGE (i.e. brainstorming a solution) rather than be someone's free therapist.

I now charge for my services after the first free session. :)

Solution: Maybe our friends need a blog as an emotional outlet.

The friend on my mind when I wrote that comment? A Virgo. She called me to discuss a problem at work. Her co-worker doesn't like her. This co-worker has no power over her, has no potential to gain power over her in the future, and has no influence with anyone who currently has power over her.  So...this problem isn't major by the standards of threatening her job security. She's basically dealing with a hater. Apparently, for the first time in her life (which is totally understandable, because she's the sweetest person on the face of this earth).

So after figuring out that this is not a life-or-job-threatening problem, I told her that I have 30 minutes to talk.

Translation: You have 30 minutes' worth of empathy/woo-woo/problem-solving from me before my mind glazes over and the cryptic, pithy part of my personality takes over. In other words, if we're still talking about the same issue after 30 minutes, my patience will have worn thin and you're gonna start hearing some hard truths about this situation.

I've known this friend for over 10 years and am very familiar with her way of processing her emotions (Moon in Capricorn trine Mercury in Virgo). She must talk her feelings out. She knows this. I know this. Her husband knows this. Her sister knows this. Everyone who knows her knows this. She's a sweetheart who always lends us a compassionate ear so we all try to share the burden of hearing her process her feelings ad nauseum.

But it's so freaking annoying listening to someone analyze the minutiae of a problem from here to Sunday and back again. I don't WANT to be annoyed but the truth is that I AM annoyed by this habit.

She is not the only Virgo in my life that does this.

I have a long list - *unrolling a scroll* - that includes, but is not limited to: 4 aunts, a stepmother, close friends, acquaintances, former managers, co-workers.

And this is not counting the people in my life who have prominent Virgo in their charts via a strongly placed planet in Virgo or house ruled by Virgo/Mercury.

The endless analysis is the more endearing Virgoan quality.

Let's talk about the less endearing Virgo quality: your stalkerific tendencies.

Since I have quite a few Virgo stalkers, let's just call the first one Virgo Stalker 1.

I met Virgo Stalker 1 in 1998 through a mutual Sagittarius (aka Sagittarius Stalker 1) friend. Virgo Stalker 1 developed a crush on me. I did not feel the same way about him but I was fond of him in a non-romantic way. I thought we were developing a nice platonic friendship. Little did naive me know at the time that a Virgo man's form of seduction is becoming the best straight-gay friend a woman can have: We shopped. We dined. We attended cultural events. We took vacations. A lovely time was had by all.

Until one day, three years into this platonic groove, Virgo Stalker 1 decided to take our friendship to the next level by molesting me in my sleep (after he picked me up from the airport and I laid my jet-lagged body down at his place in the middle of the early a.m. for a catnap before going home). When I woke up and realized what he was doing, I immediately told him to take me to my car (which was parked in a longterm garage). I did not talk to him during the car ride (conserving my energy in case I had to jump out of the car or beat his ass) even though he peppered me with constant apologies and "are you mad at me's?".

That was eight years ago.

Throughout those eight years since The Incident, he has persistently contacted me using every digital form that he can find. A few years ago, he got super proactively stalkerific and invited himself to a BBQ thrown by my then-boyfriend. How did he find out about this BBQ that was held over 100 MILES away from where he lives? From our mutual Sagittarius Stalker 1 friend. So he has accomplices. Virgo Stalker 1 tried to get me to talk to him at the park in front of friends and family after I made it extremely clear to him many times that we are no longer friends. So he knows how I feel and just ignores my feelings and the boundaries I set for our dissolved friendship. A HUGE no-no to me (and the law of the state that I currently reside in ).

To short-cut this story, let's just fast forward through all of Virgo Stalker 1's many attempts to contact me to his most recent attempt via Facebook - the stalker's handiest accessory:

Hello Jara hope you are doing fine I just wanted to say hi and see if you would like to have lunch with my wife my little girl and I. I told my wife a lot about you and how you were the best friend I ever had. I have always said maybe if I may never find a real friend like you in my life time just wanted you to know that.

Virgo Stalker 1

Um...no, I don't think you want me to have lunch with you, your wife and little girl. I think this man has forgotten that I can be loose-lipped when angry. We wouldn't want your wife knowing about how you broke the law with me (and several other women from what I hear), now would we? I'm two messages away from calling law enforcement on him.

Virgo Stalker 1 was my first stalker (as an adult). But he sure wasn't the last. Since him, I've had several others (who are no doubt lurking/reading this now). And you know what they all have in common? If you answered "a few planets in Virgo", then you would be correct!

I can deal with your endless, annoying analysis of the smallest of details, Virgo. But I cannot deal with your obsessive reaction to me breaking up our acquaintanceship/friendship/relationship.

I admit that once I've had enough of someone, I abruptly cut him or her off like any self-respecting, Scorpio-influenced person can do. But I believe in laying my cards on the table as the first step to repair a damaged relationship. You are much too observant not to have noticed this as the warning that it is.

So why do you act surprised (and innocent) when I ignore you?

Trust me, being ignored is much better than the alternative, Virgo stalkers.

For your sake, I hope that you can learn to get over me not liking you and wanting as much distance between us as possible.

Or else it will get real ugly, real fast.

To the endearingly sweet yet slightly neurotic Virgos: call/text/email/tweet/update me.

You get 30 minutes.

Sincerely,

Jara

QUESTIONS: Am I way off on Virgo's stalker tendencies? Do you have a Virgo stalker? Share your experiences (and tips to get rid of them). If you're a reformed Virgo stalker, what keeps you from obsessing over the objects of your fascination? Or if you're reading this from a prison library, have you learned your lesson?

New to astrology? Learn how to spot a Virgo , how to spot an insane Virgo and how to break up with a Virgo.

It must be an epidemic: another Virgo Stalker story.

Virgo Celebrities I Love/Think Are Sexy: Michael Jackson, Idris Elba, Blair Underwood, Paul Walker, Jr., Beyonce, Sanaa Lathan.

Check out this video of Virgos, scored to "Virgo" by Virgo rappers Doug E. Fresh, Nas and Ludacris.