So I went on a date last night and had fun.
When you read "fun", did you assume that I had sex?
If yes, then we're not working with the same definition of "fun". My idea of a fun date is good conversation, lots of laughs, maybe even an adrenaline rush or two (from indoor bungee-jumping!). If I'm stimulated and sexually attracted enough, I want to cuddle and indulge in extended foreplay but...I'm never in a rush to have sex - no matter how well the date went.
Ever since I began dating at 16, I've realized that this attitude makes me abnormal. While my friends were preoccupied with planning their next sexual rendezvous, my head was in the clouds or in the future. As an adult, my friends are pulling out their hair after a month of no sex, while I can easily "endure" months of celibacy by becoming superhumanly productive.
Even when I'm sexually attracted to someone, I don't necessarily want to have sex with them. I've been in situations where I'm extremely attracted but run in the other direction. Weird but true.
Because of this, I have questioned my sexuality more than a few times. I'm too sexually turned on by men to be homosexual. But I rarely feel enough of an emotional connection with men to feel comfortable enough to have sex with them. With women, I feel amazing emotional connections that help us form intimate bonds...but I don't want to have sex with them, either. It's a sexual catch 22. I can either have emotionally disconnected sex that feels good physically but I regret afterwards or have emotionally connected sex that's less than physically stimulating.
So if I'm not heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual, then what the hell am I?
I recently read an article that has me redefining my sexual orientation.
Some FAQ:
What are the origins of asexuality?
Asexuality is not the same thing as celibacy, which is a conscious choice, nor is it a side effect of a medical condition, which is a serious problem. Asexuality is merely an intrinsic aspect of a person, no different from any of the more commonly discussed sexual orientations.
Do asexuals experience attraction?
Many do experience attraction, in the form of an emotional connection with someone or an aesthetic appreciation of their physical features, but are not motivated to act on that attraction in a sexual manner.
Can asexual people have relationships?
Absolutely! Some prefer to remain single, but others form intimate long-term partnerships. “Asexuality” is a very broad label: some asexuals only date other asexuals, while others date sexual people. Some choose to have sex even though they do not experience sexual attraction, others do not. Asexuals who are interested in forming relationships are referred to as “romantic,” while those who have no interest in relationships whatsoever are considered “aromantic.”
According to this, I'm a romantic asexual.Do asexuals experience arousal?Many do, though it does not lead to a desire to find a sexual partner. Some asexual people are not involved in any kind of sexual activity, others masturbate but have no interest in intercourse with another person. Other asexuals use sex to express romantic attraction for a sexual partner, or experience sexual attraction that is based solely on an emotional connection, not on any outward characteristics (known as “demisexual”). - itsjustkarma
Although I generally dislike labeling myself, there is a comfort in knowing that my sexual orientation has a name and that there are others in the world like me.
Typically, we look to Venus and Mars in a person's birth chart to get some clues about his or her romantic and sexual style or preferences. The 5th house (romance) and 8th house (deep sex) add more context to the overall sexual picture.
Here are 5 Signs That You Might Be Asexual:
1. Venus or Mars in an air sign (Gemini, Libra, Aquarius).
Of the four elements, air signs are the most cerebral and least connected to the physical body. These three signs enjoy thinking about or discussing sex. Trey Songz may have invented sex, but someone with Venus or Mars in an air sign surely invented mind sex, phone sex, cyber-sex, sexting and virtual sex. We like "sex" that requires active participation from the brain, preferably with some type of emotional or physical distance. Therefore, those of us with Venus or Mars in Gemini, Libra or Aquarius can go longer than the other signs without any physical sexual contact with another person because we're having good sex all of the time - in our minds. Anyone who has actually lived out a fantasy knows that, sometimes, fantasies are better left in the imagination.
Both my Venus and Mars are in Gemini. In other words, stroking my imagination evokes the same feeling that another woman with Venus or Mars in a water, earth or fire sign would get from her nipple getting stroked. A man has a better chance of seducing me by telling me what he wants to do to me rather than actually showing me.
Many descriptions list "intelligence" as a Venus or Mars in Gemini turn-on. But that's a superficial analysis (boo!). Gemini doesn't value "intelligence" for the sake of itself. Holding the most PhDs, reciting the encyclopedia or winning Jeopardy four times isn't what's turning us on. Rather, we're turned on by someone having enough cleverness (or enough curiosity to seek out many tidbits of information) to keep us thoroughly entertained by newness. We're not really concerned with who is the smartest person in the room. We want to know who's most likely to know more sexual positions and techniques. Who's most willing to go there with us? You want to have sex on a roller coaster in space? Me too! Unpredictability is sexy. Igniting my imagination with double entendres, the ability to massage language, and poetic expressions of emotion is sexy. After hearing someone whisper erotic nothings in my ear, I want to light up a (fake) cigarette.
While I don't have a strong desire to have physical sex with someone, I do have a strong desire for a romantic partner. Finding out that this still qualifies me as an asexual was enlightening!
My Venus in Gemini in the 7th house makes no major aspect to any other planet in my chart. Nevertheless, it's strongly placed in its natural house of one-on-one partnerships. Not only am I at my best with a partner, but I feel somewhat lost without one. It's the same feeling I imagine a twin feels when separated from the other twin - a feeling of being whole yet somehow incomplete. All things being equal, Venus in Libra (the sign ruled by Venus) would have similar feelings of being incomplete without a partner.
2. Mars-Saturn. Mars desires sex and hunts for a sexual partner to quickly fulfill those desires. Saturn acts cautiously and is concerned with consequences of impulsive actions. These two planets combined can result in slowed sex drives, inhibitions about making sexual desires known, insecurity about sexual attractiveness, performance anxieties, or fears of judgment. Of course, the signs that Mars and Saturn are in adds more flavor.
We know that Mars in experimental Gemini's idea of sex is discussing or imagining having sex. My Saturn is in picky Virgo. Virgo is never satisfied with Gemini's selection of a sexual partner:
Mars in Gemini to Saturn in Virgo: Did you hear the way he just described his philosophy of life? He's sexy! Imagine what he can do with some Scrabble tiles. Mmm mmm mmm!
Saturn in Virgo to Mars in Gemini: Yeah, but did you also hear him say that variety is the spice of life? You know what that means: he's probably slept with enough people to fill up New York! He could have a STD, girl! Don't do it!!!
Case in point: Several months ago, I went on a date with a man who I found very physically attractive. The conversation was flowing and he was getting sexier with every witty comeback. In the middle of our flirt session, he spied a man walk by in a pair of skinny jeans, which prompted him to throw out a few "witty" barbs that sounded like a homophobic rant to my ears. Now, most women I know would have ignored these opinions and continued the date. Maybe even joining in with a few snarky comments of their own. But not me. I was so disgusted with him that my arousal instantly died. His opinion had nothing to do with me but it revealed him to be a closed-minded fool - NOT sexy! It was a true "check please!" moment.
2. Venus-Mars Square, Opposition or Conjunction. In the 7th house. When Venus (our romantic ideals) and Mars (our sexual desires) "talk" to each other, there's an increased chance of finding a satisfying partner. Can't get anything started without that conversation, right? But what if the conversation turns into an argument because these two can't get on the same page? What if Venus only wants to associate with brag-worthy people but Mars is only sexually attracted to people who rebel against society's standards? In these cases, it's very difficult for the person to have their cake (a satisfying relationship) and eat it, too (be sexually satisfied). As a result of experiencing many disappointments, they may end up cheating or deciding not to enter into any sexual or romantic relationship.
I have a Venus-Mars conjunction (by sign). In my case, it's not very difficult to find a satisfying romantic and sexual partner because I'm usually sexually attracted to the type of man who also shares my relationship values. What's so bad about that? The rub is that I end up attracting people who are exactly like me, rather than someone who complements my personality by filling in the gaps. Hello Gemini Twins!
Not only do I have Asc (personality) opposing Mars (action) interpreted in the 7th house, (of romantic relationships) but my Gemini Mars (sexual partner) is exactly conjunct my Gemini Descendant (ideal Other). In my relationships, it becomes difficult to tell just who is the "Gemini" partner. Imagine two pairs of Twins in one relationship all arguing every side of every issue, never making a decision because all points of view haven't been thoroughly analyzed and discussed, yet. Imagine all four of these people changing their minds at a moment's notice. Not the most stable situation, right? It's quite nerve-wracking, to say the least.
Case in point: My first sexual partner has a Gemini Asc and Sagittarius Desc, which is my relationship mirror opposite. Pretty cool, right? However, he has Mars in Gemini just like me. Think about this for a minute. He has Gemini Mars in the 1st house. I have Gemini Mars in the 7th house. To make things even more crazy, my ex also has Saturn in Gemini and was going through his Saturn Return while we were together. We spent most of our relationship accusing the other one of being argumentative, indecisive, a flirt, etc. The sad part is that I now know that we were both right. We were literally and symbolically reflecting each other's strengths and challenges.
It was fun at first but then became hell.
Astrological relationship theory goes: We attract people with qualities represented by our Descendant (the opposite of our Ascendant) to make us "whole". How can I find the person who complements my personality (Ascendant) if I am the person that complements me? Am I looking for qualities in others that I should be recognizing/developing in myself? Am I my own ideal partner?
3. A Strong Neptune. Neptune is idealistic. It's our connection to the Universe. It represents the part of our psyche or life where we practice blind faith, seduce others or are easily seduced. Those of us with Neptune prominent in our charts walk through life smelling roses and disregarding the ugliness of the thorns and weeds. We see the "God" around us. Whatever Neptune touches in our chart becomes lifted to a pedestal. If Neptune touches Venus, Mars or our Moon, then we idealize our love and sex partners or emotional connections with our partners.
I have a 1st house Neptune that connects to my 8th house of intimacy and 9th house of ideals via trines to Leo Mercury, Leo Jupiter, and square Virgo Saturn. My Trail of Broken Hearts is littered with people who I thought (Mercury) were the best things since the microwave...until I got closer to them and realized that they are not Mr. Perfect of my imagination but flesh and blood with human flaws (Virgo Saturn). I'm that woman who gets grossed out by flatulence, random body hair where it shouldn't be, lack of self control, crass behavior, an unkind nature, etc. The disappointment of seeing a person's humanness (or lack of humanity) is a sexual turn-off. With Neptune involved, no mere mortal can satisfy my dreams so it becomes more satisfying to remain single and date a "dream lover" (written by Mariah Carey, with Moon/Neptune conjunction in Sagittarius and North Node in dreamy Pisces):
4. A water-ruled 8th house. The 8th house represents how we view intimacy and how easy it is for us to be intimate with others. If our 8th house is ruled by Cancer, Scorpio or Pisces, we're psychically receptive to others. We yearn for soul connections but may also fear emotional vulnerability.
My 8th house is ruled by Cancer (Moon). We are extra protective of the issues associated with our Cancer-ruled house. My Sun in Cancer is here. I'm very sensitive to someone misusing the power they gain from entering my "secret garden". Because my 5th house is tied to my 8th house through aspects between Mars (sex drive), Mercury (thinking, communication) and Jupiter (ideals, ethics), I require a mind-body-heart-soul connection to feel safe enough to let someone inside me - both literally and figuratively. It's hard enough finding a connection with someone on just one of these levels. Imagine how hard it is to find someone who holds ALL of the keys to open my locked 8th house!
Ironically, the very concept that makes us with a water-ruled 8th house most nervous is also what can lead to our truest healing: deeply spiritual, emotionally-connected sex therapy (shout-out to Robin Thicke, whose patient Pisces Sun and sexual Scorpio Moon wrote this delicious song):
5. Moon, Venus or Mars in 12th house. Our Moon symbolizes our emotional responses to life, what we need to feel comfortable and fulfilled, our instincts, the unconscious messages we learned/inherited from our mother, how we nurture and are nurtured. As we already know, Venus and Mars are the love and sex planets. When at least one of these planets are in the 12th house, some major aspect of our love natures remains hidden from us or from others.
My Moon is in Scorpio in the 12th house of secrets, the subconscious, the collective unconscious and past lives (if you believe in reincarnation). Moon in Scorpio keeps emotions, motives and passions a secret. Moon in Scorpio in the 12th house "knows" that it's dangerous to explore or share emotions, motives and passions without serious repercussions. The popular phrase "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" was probably coined by someone with a Scorpio Moon. In my past life, perhaps I found out the hard way that passion should be controlled. Having my Moon in the sign that rules the sexual reproductive organs is a good indicator that I have a strong (yet submerged) sex drive and/or was exposed to sex at a very early age.
Both of these are true.
I grew up with the implicit and explicit message that sex is private. It seemed to me as a child that every adult treated sex like the ultimate taboo, refusing to talk about it in any other way except for "keep your legs closed! having sex will ruin your life!" (shout-out to my dad with Saturn in Scorpio) or whispering about it behind my back. As a response, I became obsessed with investigating sex to satisfy my curiosity. I found out the deep, dark secrets of many adults who lived "lightly" during the day. The teacher that taught us to have self-respect and treat our bodies like temples was having affairs with my classmates' parents. The woman who claimed not to enjoy sex at all had a drawer full of porn. Neighbors were postal workers by day but trading sexual favors for crack by night. And so on.
Thanks to my Scorpio Moon quindecile Gemini Mars, I discovered way more about people's secret sex lives than any child should know. I inadvertantly confirmed through my snooping (or just being in the right place at the right time to overhear information) that the nagging feeling in the back of my mind that whispers to me about the dangers of letting my baser desires get the best of me is a warning that I best heed. I learned early not to try everything that flits across my imagination (Mars in Gemini) because it just might become an addiction (Mars in the 6th house of habits). Consequently, rather than indulge myself sexually, I pour all of my energy into a wide variety of interests (Gemini) to keep me focused on anything other than fulfilling my sexual desires with someone else and possibly opening myself up to dangerous vulnerability (see #4) or the joy of repetition (shout-out to Prince!).
Some celebrity examples of Quindeciles to the Moon and Mars:
Quindecile to the Moon Arnold Schwarzenegger has his 6th house Moon in Capricorn QD ASC, suggesting the ambitious, workaholic drive entering into the identity, potentially upsetting relationships.
Quindecile to Mars Albert Einstein has Mars in Capricorn QD his ASC, suggesting the quality of unrelenting determination and achievement fused with the identity.
QUESTIONS: What's your sexual orientation? How does your Moon, Venus or Mars describe your sexuality? What are some other indications for asexuality in the natal chart? Do you know anyone who fits the description of an asexual?
New to astrology? Find out how Venus and Mars work together as a team to influence/describe your sexuality.
Related Resources:
Asexuality: The Ace of Hearts
Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN)
BONUS: If you're a pro at faking an orgasm, then you might be asexual (or need better sex partners).
How to Fake An Orgasm
